Hi,
my name is
Nicolas and this is my blog. This is the story of my transition, of my journey.
The purpose of this blog is to express my feelings, the struggles I have and
those that I ´m gonna be fighting with and just in general about my life.
So, here we
go. I am FTM. There are many inspiring stories about amazing transition and
dreams and goals coming true. Those stories are amazing and had being huge
motivators for me (for example the very best Aydian Dowling and some other
amazing people). But those amazing
stories are based on later FTM stage, usually already post- op and also approx.
some years on T. I wanted to write a story (kind of diary) about my transition
but from the very beginning, before I am able to become the person I feel I
really am – my authentic self. This blog
will follow step by step my life and hopefully my biggest dream coming finally
true.
But first,
let me introduce myself a little. So, my name is Nicolas and I am 22 years old.
I live in a cold and often rainy, but also very beautiful country Finland. By
nature I suppose I am sarcastic and funny but also very loving person. I have
been blessed with handful of really nice and lovable true friends and in common
I am social and have quite large social circle. I am a university student. In
overall my life is pretty good, except there is this one thing that eats me
from the inside and pressures me every single day: I am trapped in the wrong
body.
I think
ever since I can remember I have been feeling different. I know it is quite stereotypic
to say, but I have always felt like a boy – from the inside and by my mind.
From the young age I have always been interested in cars and guns and
action. I guess, I was a “tomboy” of a
kind, since I was always playing with the boys and doing (pardon me; considered
to be) more “boyish” stuff. From the very
young age I hated the dresses and all the pink “girly” stuff, ribbons and bows.
It felt so uncomfortable and confusing, why did I have to wear dresses to all
the family parties such as Christmas and birthdays. I always preferred more “Knight
Rider”- look with jeans, a t-shirt and leather jacket. Also I loooooved Indiana
Jones! Anyway, at some point I realized that I am not a boy and had to content
myself with that destiny. I did my best to build myself, my confidence and my
identity in the frames of “normality”. But I never was a girl. It just didn´t
fit me. It wasn´t (isn´t) me. I feel sophisticated
and trapped.
At some
point in my life I started dating girls (I think it was somewhere around 15 y).
I am from very very conservative family and backgrounds and it was very
difficult time especially for my mum, when she found out that I was a lesbian. I
can never forget the look on her face the day she found out. It was full of
pity, disappointment and …. no, not even anger…hmmmm…just hurt and like her
world was over. Well, it took time and she got used to it. I think she will
never fully accept it but she just got used to it. We don´t talk about it.
Like, if we don´t talk about it, it will just go away. There is no problem if
it is not discussed. But back to me…. so after a began dating girls, things got
a bit clearer. For a while everything felt OK. But it was only for a moment.
Something was still bothering me. I didn´t feel complete. Often I catched myself
on a thought “what would it feel like to be a man”. I dreamed, I imagined and fantasized.
My style has never been girly but since 15 it has changed to more manly
direction. It just feels good and natural. The more I thought about it the sadder
I became, since I thought I could never be, who I really am and act how I feel
inside. I could never be a man. Oh, it really broke my heart.
So, around
18 I started to google things and to make a research of my own. And that is
when I found out that maybe I was not alone and that maybe here was a chance
for me to be me. But it took me time to gather courage and to put my thoughts
into actions.
It could
take a chapter of its own to write the FTM procedure in Finland but I will just
try to summarize it and highlight the main points. So in Finland one must first
go to a casual doctor and get a referral to one of two places Helsinki or
Tampere. There are only two medical centers, which specialize in FTM procedure.
They are called the centers of “sexuality and sexual-identity research”
centers. Usually, you have to go also to see the psychologist or even a psychiatrist.
So a normal doctor directs you to Helsinki or Tampere and then the real thing
begins. At first meeting they ask you all the “why and when and how long have
you been feeling this way” – questions. By these measures they try to make sure
that for example the person doesn´t have schizophrenia or hasn´t any other
matters that could affect the judgement. And that the person is really
transgender. First one must get a transgender diagnose and only after that one
will pass on to the next stage, which is hormone treatment (T). So, before one gets the invitation to Tampere
or Helsinki it takes approx. 3 months, then the diagnose faze takes about 6 months
– 1,5 years. And only after that starts the “fun” part, the T.
I am on
just faze one. I got the invitation to one of these centers and by the end of
summer I will go there to my first meeting. I am excited but also scared as
hell as some other person may decide for you and how your life turns: are you a
man you are feeling to be or not.
So, wish me
luck…!
Nicolas
