Chapter 3: Meet my Mom

Long I was thinking about, what topic or event in my life I should write next. Well, now I decided that family would be a good one to tell you all about in this Chapter 3. By my family I mostly will refer to my mom. I think that during this long journey, you will hear a lot about her. Why is that? Well, she is the closest person to me. We have been through a lot and she is the person I respect and depend on the most. Well, depend in a way.

Of course there are also other members in my family but my mom is the most important. So, the nearest family I have is my mom, stepfather and my cat, whom I love to the moon and back. I also have a very nurturing and loving aunt. But we live in different countries so I don´t get to see her that much. I also have a dad and grandparents from his side. But with them all, we are not so close due to some events that happened in my childhood and also because, we too live, I different countries.

My mom is like the most caring and loving and lovable person in the whole world. And I really appreciate her a lot and love her over all. But on other side we have kinda twisted relationship. And it is really weird. For example I have never been able to talk to her about any of my relationships and it seemed to me that she didn´t even care that much (but now I know she did and she does). I mean like we are crazy close and help each other but on the other hand she barely even knows the real me. I help my parents as I can and I have always been the nice kid; did what I was told and asked. And so my mom also helps me financially. It would be impossible to live in Finland only on your student allowance, so yes it is a BIG help. And we do some stuff together and she always listens to my advice and tries to help me with my problems. But usually I solve my problems myself and nowadays it starts to be that way, that my mom comes for an advice to me not vice versa. So for example in appearance for other we seem like very tide and close family but deep inside I feel like she doesn´t really get me. Like she doesn´t know me and if she totally knew, she wouldn´t accept me.

Let me tell you more about my mom. She is really conservative person, well at list towards some things. She is super conservative towards homosexuality and I think she doesn´t even know about the existence of transgender people. I think that everything, what is not heterosexual is kinda the grey area to her. And I know it is mean of her to even think that way, but I think, that she thinks that all LGBTQ-people are sick. I wish I could talk to her and change her mind, but it is soooo deeply in her that I don´t know if that would be even possible …like ever. She didn´t really ever accept me being lesbian. I thought she did, but she didn´t. She always tries to force me to wear more feminine clothes. I bet she would like to see me in high-heels and skirts and doing all that girly stuff like painting nails and giggling about guys…njäääh!  

I had a shock few weeks ago. My mom loves to travel and on one of her trips she got to know some other family, who had a son about my age. And of course she told them about me and things moved alone and they decided to arrange a meeting…well it revealed to be a date. First she kinda insisted on us meeting and she was like “oh, he is such a nice boy…you should meet him, there can´t be too many friends and blaa blaa and then you two could travel together”. And then the mother of this boy also started calling me like when are you going to meet, and he is such a shy boy…blab la. So, we met. Two times. And it happened that way that apparently the boy kinda fell in love with me. And I´m like “great”!! And also his mom started calling me like every day and telling me how nice and beautiful I am (well yeah it is nice to hear but still…NO!). And the mom kept calling and texting and she even ended up saying that SHE as well fell in love with me and something lie if she was born a man, she would marry me. So just fuckin amazing! Now I had the boy AND THE MOM on my ass. Well, yes I appreciate the attention but in my situation and me being lesbian…that is not the situation you want to end up in.

So, I texted my mom like “WTF”, why did I have to meet this guy and like yes, we could be friends with him but JUST friends and I said that I didn´t want things to get messy, cause I don´t want to hurt a nice person (the guy was really cute and gentleman), but like I said that friends we could be but that´s it. My mom didn´t quite get it and she insisted on me to keep in touch with this poor boy. When I said that I didn´t like the guy in that way, she asked me why. I was so confused and astounded. I repeated that he was not what I wanted and that I can get myself a partner myself, I didn´t need her to pair me up with some boy. And then she started to talk like give it some time, you never know if he is the one or not and she even ended up saying that she didn´t love my father at first but then kinda just…got used to. She said that in relationships one always loves more and the other one just allows to love him/her. Well, I don´t know what do I think about that one, but in this opinion she might be right. Although, I want a relationship where we are equal and our love is on the same waveline. I also asked my mum like if in her opinion true love doesn´t exist and should two people WANT to be together. She thought that love will come and I should just give it a chance. Very stereotypical!! “You haven´t met the right man, yet” – Yeah right!! I wanna be the fucking man!! ;)

But yes, so first point, my mom didn´t even try to argue that she arranged me a date and then she acted like it was perfectly normal. Secondly, she didn´t even ask me if I had anyone or not (maybe I happened to have the most beautiful gf in the world?! Didn´t occur her mind). And that is what I mean. Me and my mom are close, but there are some things we don´t talk about…at all. One of those things is my homosexuality or transsuality. Then she thinks that she is totally rightful to “help” and “save” me by arranging me dates and naming it “just meet a friend and look where it leads to”. NO!

You might wonder, why didn´t I say something earlier. Well, basically my mom knows I like girls. She knew about my last two gfs. But STILL she decides to hook me up with a man. She justifies it by saying that she just wanted to help me and make me see a different ways of living and that women always like the attention of men and it is a women´s job act attractive for men and flirt and everything. Yeah, thanks mom! I mean, I reeaaaally love you, but seriously?!

My mum doesn´t yet know about my transsuality. As I am only in the beginning of my journey and all the doctor appointments, I don´t want to tell her just yet.  But as I know her reaction towards my sexuality and the way she acts and thinks…it will not be easy. For either of us. Not to her, but not to me as well. It will take a lot of courage and braveness. And still…I love her more than one could ever imagine, even thought she doesn´t except me (even if she says so) and sees things differently, I love her.

Till next time mates,

your Nicolas

PS. If you wanna see more about my life and stuff…follow me on IG @_eduard_daniel

Chapter 2: Gender

Hi everyone again!

This is gonna be my second chapter and today I would like to talk about gender and what does it…or what could it mean. I believe that most of us can agree that gender can mean possibly many different things to each and one of us. In stereotypic heteroworld there are just two genders: man and woman. In such countries as for example Russia, the believes about these two genders and also the associations and expectations regarded two the each gender are pretty strict and as one might call it conservative. The man is supposed to be a man and women should look, act and have only, strictly women kind interests and manners. The point of this chapter is not to speak about Russia and all the problems and challenges that rainbow-people in Russia face (about that we can talk later on), but about believes regarding different gender and expectations about it.

In the conservative way of thinking and expressing the man should look like a man and act like a man. He may not cry (like you know…boys don´t cry…and specially not men…eh), must wear “mens”-clothes and most definitely should take care of his family and the loved ones. It is the man’s job to carry all the bags and heavy stuff, because he is a man. Woman, again, is the more vulnerable and “weak” one. It is her obligation to look nice, wear dresses, enjoy makeovers and manicure and whatever stuff like that. More than that women usually don´t drink and do all the stuff at home as well also. In conservative way of mind women must not wear boyish clothes or it will make her look like a man and that is not the way people want it to be. Even if woman has more manly style, society might obligate her to water down the manly look more into “acceptable for women”-looks. It is unsexy and unprofessional, in a way! So in conservative set of mind boys can´t wear pink and girls can´t have short hair and considered to be at the same line with boys.

So now I have a story to tell. We were looking at some book and I saw a picture of two persons sitting. I asked my friend, is it a boy or a girl in the picture. My friend answered me that does it matter. So, I began to think. Well, of course it doesn´t…in a way. And yet...yes, of course it does. In a way. In a way for me. So, let me explain my thoughts a bit more. I am a transgender. I don´t feel comfortable in my biological body. In mean, yes, I feel pretty great in my body, but that is not me. I am NOT a girl, not a woman. Mentally I am a man. I am a man and that is just the way I feel. I can´t really explain it, but I just know it. It is not that I like girls, it is not that I don´t like any “girl”-stuff, it is what it is. It is me. A man. If there are only two genders to choose from, I am definitely a man. I might say it is in overall, my thoughts, the feeling I get from wearing and buying men´s clothes and boxer, the way men are, the way penis would feel like…everything. So, and remember this is just only me talking mostly about my opinions and myself.

Let me continue further…

So, few days ago I read this story and it really touched me. It was like directly from my head or mouth except in different transition (she is MtF and I am FtM). But the thoughts are just the same.

So going back to the question my friend asked me; does it matter? Direct answer for me is “yes”. I mean that if the two genders were the same, there would not be transpeople, right? Like if man = woman, I wouldn`t want to become a man and have a penis etc (sorry for my straightforwardness). For me it does matter, if I am a man or a woman. But then again, in general, I think people should be, what they want to. What they feel like. We live only once, so you better do it right the first time and do it that way that once is enough!

I think that accepting the neutral

The text from FB, Lizzy the Lezzy page. This is what transgender might feel like and what we face.

gender- “other”- is a great thing to do. I just think it is amazing: first of all people, who don´t feel like either of genders will be freed but also, secondly, transpeople could get release as well. As the process takes a long time and transpeople don´t feel like their biological gender it would be a great thing to be able to represent “ the other” gender. Personally, I would vote two hands up for that legislation if it would come to Finland (hope that Finland will soon enough follow the example of other European countries in this matter).

I just think that people are used to categorizing other people into some kind of “boxes”. It might be some kind of historical thing, which helped people to understand and picture the world and people around them. Like sex, gender, race, religion etc…they are all categories; most of them ancient categories, which helped people to rationalize the world around them. I think it is human basic need to “put” others somewhere, and this “third gender” would be a good solution. People could still categorize but on other hand one must not stress about including themselves to “man” or “woman” box.

But as for me, I know my gender. I just have to get there #selfmademan

See you later guys…cheers!

Yours, Nicolas

Chapter 1: Introducing myself

Hi,

my name is Nicolas and this is my blog. This is the story of my transition, of my journey. The purpose of this blog is to express my feelings, the struggles I have and those that I ´m gonna be fighting with and just in general about my life.

So, here we go. I am FTM. There are many inspiring stories about amazing transition and dreams and goals coming true. Those stories are amazing and had being huge motivators for me (for example the very best Aydian Dowling and some other amazing people).  But those amazing stories are based on later FTM stage, usually already post- op and also approx. some years on T. I wanted to write a story (kind of diary) about my transition but from the very beginning, before I am able to become the person I feel I really am – my authentic self.  This blog will follow step by step my life and hopefully my biggest dream coming finally true.

But first, let me introduce myself a little. So, my name is Nicolas and I am 22 years old. I live in a cold and often rainy, but also very beautiful country Finland. By nature I suppose I am sarcastic and funny but also very loving person. I have been blessed with handful of really nice and lovable true friends and in common I am social and have quite large social circle. I am a university student. In overall my life is pretty good, except there is this one thing that eats me from the inside and pressures me every single day: I am trapped in the wrong body.

I think ever since I can remember I have been feeling different. I know it is quite stereotypic to say, but I have always felt like a boy – from the inside and by my mind. From the young age I have always been interested in cars and guns and action.  I guess, I was a “tomboy” of a kind, since I was always playing with the boys and doing (pardon me; considered to be) more “boyish” stuff.  From the very young age I hated the dresses and all the pink “girly” stuff, ribbons and bows. It felt so uncomfortable and confusing, why did I have to wear dresses to all the family parties such as Christmas and birthdays. I always preferred more “Knight Rider”- look with jeans, a t-shirt and leather jacket. Also I loooooved Indiana Jones! Anyway, at some point I realized that I am not a boy and had to content myself with that destiny. I did my best to build myself, my confidence and my identity in the frames of “normality”. But I never was a girl. It just didn´t fit me. It wasn´t (isn´t) me.  I feel sophisticated and trapped.

At some point in my life I started dating girls (I think it was somewhere around 15 y). I am from very very conservative family and backgrounds and it was very difficult time especially for my mum, when she found out that I was a lesbian. I can never forget the look on her face the day she found out. It was full of pity, disappointment and …. no, not even anger…hmmmm…just hurt and like her world was over. Well, it took time and she got used to it. I think she will never fully accept it but she just got used to it. We don´t talk about it. Like, if we don´t talk about it, it will just go away. There is no problem if it is not discussed. But back to me…. so after a began dating girls, things got a bit clearer. For a while everything felt OK. But it was only for a moment. Something was still bothering me. I didn´t feel complete. Often I catched myself on a thought “what would it feel like to be a man”. I dreamed, I imagined and fantasized. My style has never been girly but since 15 it has changed to more manly direction. It just feels good and natural. The more I thought about it the sadder I became, since I thought I could never be, who I really am and act how I feel inside. I could never be a man. Oh, it really broke my heart.

So, around 18 I started to google things and to make a research of my own. And that is when I found out that maybe I was not alone and that maybe here was a chance for me to be me. But it took me time to gather courage and to put my thoughts into actions.

It could take a chapter of its own to write the FTM procedure in Finland but I will just try to summarize it and highlight the main points. So in Finland one must first go to a casual doctor and get a referral to one of two places Helsinki or Tampere. There are only two medical centers, which specialize in FTM procedure. They are called the centers of “sexuality and sexual-identity research” centers. Usually, you have to go also to see the psychologist or even a psychiatrist. So a normal doctor directs you to Helsinki or Tampere and then the real thing begins. At first meeting they ask you all the “why and when and how long have you been feeling this way” – questions. By these measures they try to make sure that for example the person doesn´t have schizophrenia or hasn´t any other matters that could affect the judgement. And that the person is really transgender. First one must get a transgender diagnose and only after that one will pass on to the next stage, which is hormone treatment (T).  So, before one gets the invitation to Tampere or Helsinki it takes approx. 3 months, then the diagnose faze takes about 6 months – 1,5 years. And only after that starts the “fun” part, the T.

I am on just faze one. I got the invitation to one of these centers and by the end of summer I will go there to my first meeting. I am excited but also scared as hell as some other person may decide for you and how your life turns: are you a man you are feeling to be or not.

So, wish me luck…!

Nicolas