Long I was
thinking about, what topic or event in my life I should write next. Well, now I
decided that family would be a good one to tell you all about in this Chapter
3. By my family I mostly will refer to my mom. I think that during this long
journey, you will hear a lot about her. Why is that? Well, she is the closest
person to me. We have been through a lot and she is the person I respect and
depend on the most. Well, depend in a way.
Of course
there are also other members in my family but my mom is the most important. So,
the nearest family I have is my mom, stepfather and my cat, whom I love to the
moon and back. I also have a very nurturing and loving aunt. But we live in
different countries so I don´t get to see her that much. I also have a dad and
grandparents from his side. But with them all, we are not so close due to some
events that happened in my childhood and also because, we too live, I different
countries.
My mom is like the most caring and loving and lovable person in the
whole world. And I really appreciate her a lot and love her over all. But on
other side we have kinda twisted relationship. And it is really weird. For
example I have never been able to talk to her about any of my relationships and
it seemed to me that she didn´t even care that much (but now I know she did and
she does). I mean like we are crazy close and help each other but on the other
hand she barely even knows the real me. I help my parents as I can and I have
always been the nice kid; did what I was told and asked. And so my mom also
helps me financially. It would be impossible to live in Finland only on your
student allowance, so yes it is a BIG help. And we do some stuff together and she
always listens to my advice and tries to help me with my problems. But usually
I solve my problems myself and nowadays it starts to be that way, that my mom
comes for an advice to me not vice versa. So for example in appearance for
other we seem like very tide and close family but deep inside I feel like she
doesn´t really get me. Like she doesn´t know me and if she totally knew, she wouldn´t
accept me.
Let me tell you more about my mom. She is really conservative person,
well at list towards some things. She is super conservative towards
homosexuality and I think she doesn´t even know about the existence of
transgender people. I think that everything, what is not heterosexual is kinda
the grey area to her. And I know it is mean of her to even think that way, but
I think, that she thinks that all LGBTQ-people are sick. I wish I could talk to
her and change her mind, but it is soooo deeply in her that I don´t know if
that would be even possible …like ever. She didn´t really ever accept me being lesbian.
I thought she did, but she didn´t. She always tries to force me to wear more feminine
clothes. I bet she would like to see me in high-heels and skirts and doing all
that girly stuff like painting nails and giggling about guys…njäääh!
I had a shock few weeks ago. My mom loves to travel and on one of her
trips she got to know some other family, who had a son about my age. And of course
she told them about me and things moved alone and they decided to arrange a
meeting…well it revealed to be a date. First she kinda insisted on us meeting
and she was like “oh, he is such a nice boy…you should meet him, there can´t be
too many friends and blaa blaa and then you two could travel together”. And
then the mother of this boy also started calling me like when are you going to
meet, and he is such a shy boy…blab la. So, we met. Two times. And it happened
that way that apparently the boy kinda fell in love with me. And I´m like “great”!!
And also his mom started calling me like every day and telling me how nice and
beautiful I am (well yeah it is nice to hear but still…NO!). And the mom kept
calling and texting and she even ended up saying that SHE as well fell in love
with me and something lie if she was born a man, she would marry me. So just
fuckin amazing! Now I had the boy AND THE MOM on my ass. Well, yes I appreciate
the attention but in my situation and me being lesbian…that is not the
situation you want to end up in.
So, I texted my mom like “WTF”, why did I have to meet this guy and like
yes, we could be friends with him but JUST friends and I said that I didn´t
want things to get messy, cause I don´t want to hurt a nice person (the guy was
really cute and gentleman), but like I said that friends we could be but that´s
it. My mom didn´t quite get it and she insisted on me to keep in touch with
this poor boy. When I said that I didn´t like the guy in that way, she asked me
why. I was so confused and astounded. I repeated that he was not what I wanted
and that I can get myself a partner myself, I didn´t need her to pair me up
with some boy. And then she started to talk like give it some time, you never
know if he is the one or not and she even ended up saying that she didn´t love
my father at first but then kinda just…got used to. She said that in relationships
one always loves more and the other one just allows to love him/her. Well, I
don´t know what do I think about that one, but in this opinion she might be
right. Although, I want a relationship where we are equal and our love is on
the same waveline. I also asked my mum like if in her opinion true love doesn´t
exist and should two people WANT to be together. She thought that love will
come and I should just give it a chance. Very stereotypical!! “You haven´t met
the right man, yet” – Yeah right!! I wanna be the fucking man!! ;)
But yes, so first point, my mom didn´t even try to argue that she arranged
me a date and then she acted like it was perfectly normal. Secondly, she didn´t
even ask me if I had anyone or not (maybe I happened to have the most beautiful
gf in the world?! Didn´t occur her mind). And that is what I mean. Me and my
mom are close, but there are some things we don´t talk about…at all. One of
those things is my homosexuality or transsuality. Then she thinks that she is
totally rightful to “help” and “save” me by arranging me dates and naming it “just
meet a friend and look where it leads to”. NO!
You might wonder, why didn´t I say something earlier. Well, basically my
mom knows I like girls. She knew about my last two gfs. But STILL she decides
to hook me up with a man. She justifies it by saying that she just wanted to
help me and make me see a different ways of living and that women always like
the attention of men and it is a women´s job act attractive for men and flirt
and everything. Yeah, thanks mom! I mean, I reeaaaally love you, but seriously?!
My mum doesn´t yet know about my transsuality. As I am only in the
beginning of my journey and all the doctor appointments, I don´t want to tell
her just yet. But as I know her reaction
towards my sexuality and the way she acts and thinks…it will not be easy. For
either of us. Not to her, but not to me as well. It will take a lot of courage
and braveness. And still…I love her more than one could ever imagine, even
thought she doesn´t except me (even if she says so) and sees things
differently, I love her.
Till next time mates,
your Nicolas
PS. If you wanna see more about my life and stuff…follow me on IG @_eduard_daniel
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